39 Weeks: A Journal Entry

A special thanks to my sweet, talented husband for the pictures in this post! He was both my photographer AND editor for these! What a treat to upload pictures that are already edited! :)

I didn't mean this to be a Sarah-centered post - but that, now that it is all done, is kinda what it became. These are my thoughts from today. 

I'm 39 weeks today (these pictures were taken a week ago at 38 weeks) and at the current moment, I'm resting happily comfortable on the couch - blogging, while my husband watches Sunday Afternoon Football next to me and my daughter naps (really well actually, she's been down for over three hours!). 

I am not often comfortable these days, so this is a rare treat. :) 

It's been an interesting month. It's been an interesting pregnancy. I've been much more emotional and hormonal this time around. Maybe, due to the fact that this baby is a boy? Or maybe because I've had more on my plate this pregnancy? I don't know - but this past month has been a bit better (on my end of things - if you ask Brad he may disagree haha!) I still haven't been "myself" but I feel like I've been more capable at handling life. I came to the realization around 7 months along when I was feeling very overwhelmed about having a new baby and an 18 month old, "the way I will feel then is not the way I feel now." I know I'll probably have a few weeks/months of transition, but knowing and remembering that the hormonal shifts become less after having a baby makes me more optimistic about the future. 

I've realized something. I've been over-thinking, over-analizing, over-planning and over-anticipating. This has caused me a lot of stress that simply wasn't/isn't necessary. And it has been a sin.

I haven't been "trusting in the Lord with all my heart" but have instead been leaning on my own understanding.

I just finished a study on Ephesians with some of the ladies at church, By His Wounds You Are Healed: How the Message of Ephesians Transforms a Woman's Identity by Wendy Horger Alsup. I can't recommend this study enough. It has helped me so much in my thinking and application of the gospel in my every day life. Jesus didn't die just to save me from hell. No, his death purchased so much more for me. His death on the cross has made it possible for me to live differently, growing from who I am now to who He wants me to be. Practically, the gospel influences how I should parent my daughter and son, how I should view my role as Brad's HOT(don't let you husband edit your blog :) ) wife. The gospel equips me to stop in the midst of a frustrating situation and change the way I'm about to respond. I am so thankful for this gift that I've been given through the gospel and I'm coming to a much fuller understanding of all that it entails.

I'm so thankful that God is bigger than my hormones. I acknowledge that hormones and emotions are real but I don't believe that they can be an excuse for me to sin against my husband, my children or even the cashier at the grocery store. Realizing that my actions and my speech have large implications on those around me has been humbling and motivating for me to "get it right!"I don't have time to simply meditate on these truths of the gospel - they must become flesh as I work them out in my life. My daughter is watching and my son is on his way.

I have been so humbled the past few months by the actions of my husband. He has shown me, in a very real and tangible way that "a gentle answer turns away wrath" (Proverbs 15:1a) as he has responded kindly to my angry and frustrated words. Seriously - it is like a slap in the face or a splash of cold water! His kind responses caused immediate shame and regret, which I believe was the Holy Spirit prompting me to stop my current projection of conversation - sometimes I listened, sadly others I did not.

I remember after Lucy was born how shocked I was at how my love for Brad grew. I anticipated that my capacity to love would grow because of my new daughter but had no inkling that I would love my hubbie more too. I've heard moms talk about how crazy it was to have their second child and realize that they were capable of MORE love. As I've been coming to a fuller understanding of Christ's love for me and what it means for the way I live my life, I've been challenged to love better. To not just love in words but to follow the instruction in 1 John 3:18, "Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth."

I want the love I give my family to be based on truth, not fake or given begrudgingly. I want the love I give my family to be genuine and Christ-like, not selfish.

I've realized it's easy for me to be a "good Christian" at church, with friends and even with extended family. But the rubber really hits the road in my home, and THIS is where I want, more than anywhere else, for Christ to be seen in me.

I want my children to grow up with a healthy picture of what it means to be a gospel-centered Christian and to see a realistic picture of what life in Christ looks like, with all it's highs and lows.

So this is me at 39 weeks. 

Vulnerable but willing. 

Scared but learning to trust. 

Amazed and excited about the future.